$ f natsuki
Login: natsuki Name: Natsuki KARINO
Directory: /nfs/pool/users/na/natsuki Shell: /bin/bash
Last login Sat Jul 7 12:57 (UTC) on ttys023 from 42.85.7.1
Project: I graduated!
Plan:
#!/bin/cat
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[~natsuki/.plan is 777, so edit away!]
[thanks to ~srenata for asciiligraphy]
(baxter sez: Shouldn't it be 666? This file isn't executable.)
[it is now! hope you're happy, Jeff ~natsuki]
(That's gross. I love it.)
OH MY GOD NAT WE MADE IT
NOW WHAT DO WE DO -Law 5/16
[don't ask me! you're the one who's going to med school ~natsuki]
yukari> daijoubu na no? kono hito ga isha ni natte. atama warusou
[hidoi yo, yukari. tashika ni atama ga warui kedo w ~natsuki]
I can read Japanese, you know -Law 5/18
yukari> oh i know ^_~
[you two are perfect for each other ~natsuki]
I'll stick to letting Mikhail take the abuse, thanks -Law 5/18
yukari> tanjoubi omedetou!
[arigatou! 22-sai ka... mada otona ni natta ki ga shinai ~natsuki]
Where are you going to go after graduating? (Su)
[got a development job lined up in Syndria ~natsuki]
I still think it's crazy that you're not going to San Francisco -Law 2/8
[I think it's crazy that you are! ~natsuki]
[story time]
And you will remember ---
What will you remember?
I remember evenings together in the kitchen, making lasagna or vegetable
stir-fry or, once, that Moroccan dish whose name I can't recall, which
ended up slightly burnt and with a mild flavor of cardamom that we had
never put in and couldn't figure out for the life of ourselves where it
came from. I remember you, in the apron, frilly and white except for
the times when we switched and you wore my straight-edged maroon one. I
remember chatting in the park after we'd eaten and were both almost too
full to think.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. This is nothing. I almost sliced my finger off once trying
to cut a particularly stubborn carrot in college."
And then you would ignore my reassurances and kiss the wound, and place
a bandage over it, the dot of seeping blood peeking through the gauze
and the flesh-colored adhesive backing, and I would feel blessed.
In Biblical terms, I would be the lover, and you would be the beloved.
But that always felt backwards for us. You were always the one full of
affection and warm feelings, and I accepted them guilty that I couldn't
reciprocate as much as I thought I should. And even then you told me
that it didn't matter, that you didn't love expecting anything in return
but loved because it was the only thing you knew how to do, that you
couldn't _not_ love me. It made me redouble my efforts, want to love
you even more, want to show you the depths of that love, even though I
never felt like I knew how.
And then you were gone, and all that was left of you were my memories.
I can't ask what you would remember, but I still do. I convince myself
of the doubts I nursed while you were still here, because now you're not
present to disabuse me of them. You become perfect, a symbol, while I
become ever more hideous and profane, unworthy of what you gave me,
undeserving of even the happiness that I had in the past. I am nothing
and you are everything, though in the eyes of others, and what they call
reality, I have our roles backwards.
[we now return to our regularly scheduled programming]
yukari> kakkoii... nacchan no yome ni naritai
[mikhail-san wa dou naru no? kawaisou.... ~natsuki]
yukari> kare no koto wa ki ni shinakute mo ii yo <w>
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$